“The wound is where the light enters you.” ~ Rumi
We’re smart and we have it ALL figured out. Right? Then we read or hear another’s perspective and suddenly we feel like an ass. We become the jackass who out of our own pain and frustration threw salt into an already open wound held by someone we love. When we deal with nonsensical situations we try to instill rationality, but it doesn’t work. Frustration sets in. Someone lashes out, then does the other making things worse. The game of non-relating begins.
What happened, we ask ourselves as we sit alone scratching our heads with a broken heart full of confusion and pity. We chose to play in the masquerade of illusions where no one wins. We look for external clues to show us what to feel because the pain blinds us.
We can accuse others of not feeling or not having empathy when from the outside it may look that way. But what if it is just the opposite and the person feels so intensely that it affects their respondent behavior in a relational crisis, especially when it is intimate? What if they just don’t know how to relate?
Hitting them over the head with our righteousness isn’t going to help them. As a matter of fact, it’s just the opposite. We will only reinforce their pain and behaviors of retreat and avoidance.
It is difficult to understand why someone can’t open up, communicate, and feel what we want them to feel. Our humanness kicks in where our own “pain body” causes us to question their integrity and whether or not they ever loved us because if they did, they wouldn’t do x, y and z. Blogger and mental health therapist from Takingthemaskoff said, We put a mask on them because we do not like what they have to say.
We’re different and everyone is born with an innate temperament and emotional spectrum. From infancy, some are more emotional than others. Just like traits, our temperament varies in degrees. Temperament alone will not cause a personality disorder. “Whoa, he took that harder than I had expected and behaved differently than I would have imagined. He must be a narcissist.”
We have been trained to compartmentalize and label. Today after reading Takingthemasksoff, I realized how I failed to recognize the pain my ex suffers and that he actually survives by avoiding the pain. No one likes pain. Yet, I threw the sting of shame into the wound of his despair to fuel the pain I also felt inside.
Wow, a 2 x 4 slammed me in the heart at the thought of not only the pain my ex is feeling, but the pain my mother must have felt for all those years leading up to her early demise at 61-years-old.
All I want is for my ex who said he loves me to actually feel and see me accurately with his heart rather than rose-shaded or broken glasses. I think we both want the same thing – to be accepted, not judged. What I didn’t realize is that perhaps the approach of scolding him for being reckless, which my best guy friend said is “typical” of a woman to do, would simply push him farther away. We both lose. How can you help someone if they go into avoidance? I honestly care enough that I want us both to heal from this.
I know the light cannot shine into the places where we shut the blinds and seal the doors. Someone has to be the beacon and shine the light back onto the soul so human nature’s slip into punishment does not become the reward. We can overcome issues when we feel safe and secure and back into the light.
I feel like I failed to help a man I love. It’s terribly painful to watch a love go straight “south” because there is a lack of communication and too many filters hindering relating. It’s even harder when you realize your own pain put the blinders on someone else’s ability to see a relating through – an awkward dance with four left feet and no one standing after its over.
Deep people feel deeply. The deeper we are the more our light can drown in the sorrows of our discomfort. We have to remember that sometimes we may have it all wrong. Feeling too intensely is normal and avoidance is the protective, defense mechanism. Telling him he never loved me was my defense mechanism of his actions mismatching mine, which further upset him to pull away. The only way back to a rational place is to get all four feet back on the ground facing each other in human rawness, and completely vulnerable. We both want a rock but instead we gave each other sand.
Did I push him into wearing a mask of becoming a non-feeling, stronger without you, have perfectly moved on sorta guy? The intense feelings are still there, hidden, but I doubt they are gone. It hurts so badly he avoids even more as each day passes. I fear he will become hyper-sexual to mask the intensity of his feelings with frivolous affairs and one night stands – the opposite of what we would want for our partner who deserves love and opportunity as much as we do.
The criticisms from those we love can cut deep. The original shame about who we are may never go away when we use punishment. We wake up and feel worse with more guilt and more shame. The intense emotions are worse. We wear the mask that everything is ok in the world until we can’t anymore. The depression sets in as a “unrelenting crisis.” So now what?
My friend Audi Gozlan said, “You have to remember the light. Remember the connection. Stop talking about the pain. Remember, always, each other and what brought you together. You’ll find your way from there. Focus on the light.”
In conclusion, I thought today about how hard it is to work through our issues not only with ourselves but with each other. Attention-seeking and drama causing behaviors strengthen avoidance and non-relating …and the situation simply gets worse with shame. Perhaps doing the opposite is indeed the key.
Big sigh…hello light, great to see you again.
Jennifer Buergermeister 