Mend It Or End It? Tips In De-Masking The Relationship
By Jennifer Buergermeister © 2015
Have you been that person in the relationship who broke it off partly in fear and/or anger, and wondered if you gave it its proper chance to mend? As my yoga teacher once shared, “It isn’t over, until it’s over.” Nothing could be closer to the truth. When we want to avoid pain or shame, we put the mask on either ourselves or on others. Masquerading pain only leads to more pain. It’s a way of living in the delusion that we are somehow going to be better on the other side of the fence. Don’t end it if you can mend it.
Haven’t we all been at the masquerade ball during some point in our lives? Our obligations and expectations can serve as distractions to relating. Relating of any form takes engaging in communication. Therapist can help us but sometimes they may give obscure advice from an often one-sided perspective that we give them. Looking at our issues from various perspectives is the key to dynamically synthesize what worked and what didn’t in our relationships.
In order to grow and relate, feeling is very important. Listening to your heart will guide what’s right for you. Have you been fair in assessing your relationship? Were you truly objective? How do people spend a life together?
Seems to be the million-dollar question! Successful couples state that you should focus on what can work and the possibility of it mending. You stick in there over and over again, trying to relate and see the potential of growth. We are mirrors for each other. Running away is avoidance and a sure way to cause regret by one day realizing there was an opportunity to engage in a real soul-full relation that could have brought peace and internal comfort. We’ve all met that older couple that we long to become.
The fertilizer, the dark and ugly aspects of relating, is the catalyst to healing from past issues. Relationships are like mirrors. Humanity would benefit from understanding we are relating from a place of oneness. What we see in others, we perhaps can recognize in ourselves. Along the path to wholeness, the murky, muddy waters can bloom a lotus between two beautiful hearts. By giving peace a chance we can most certainly mend a broken heart. Relationships are a dance where four left feet become two perfect sets of right and left.
Feelings can be miscommunicated or misinterpreted, and the heat between two frustrated people can cause some ugly words to be exchanged. Communication is prismatic. There are always two sides or more to each story. It’s difficult to see the other side when a person has a sense that his/her ideals have been rejected, so don’t do it. Engage differently. Don’t end it. Mend it.
Here are some tips in relating face to face to mend before you end.
- Soul gaze. Look at each other’s soul by sitting quietly for five minutes gazing into each other’s eyes.
- Stop texting. This is not only a bad idea when fumes high.
- Listen up. Hear carefully to what your partner is saying. Do not assume you exactly know what your partner is feeling. Use your ears and connect with your heart.
- Mediate. You may need a mediator. If you get stuck communicating, agree to disagree. Find a mutual friend or see a therapist to mediate the conversation to help always guide the discussions back to the heart.
- Engage. Do not go into avoidance. Be mature and stay engaged. Never let anger create rash decisions or tempt you to run away. Get into the murky water. Growth doesn’t happen by pond hopping.
There are lots of things to consider, and as we get wiser, relating isn’t necessarily easier. Relating may take more work as we age. Thinking the next relationship will be smoother as the grass grows on the other side may be setting yourself up for more disappointment. My “wise” friend, Hagen Finely, who studied philosophy at Berkeley, said it nicely:
“What happens, Jenny, is that when you get older, you are more sensitive to compromise. When you are young you are pretty malleable and flexible. As you ‘mature’ you feel more of the cost – you’re willing to try things but eventually you’ll also be discussing where will you live and how you will live. For example, we all have our sense of hot/cold, our emotional thermometer. There tend to be a struggle wherein ultimately there are winners and losers. So who gets to set that thermometer? Those issues matter (a lot). While meeting people and having fun IS fun, those considerations make it harder to go to the next level.”
Relating is a two-way street. Let’s mend and face it – life isn’t always about picking daisies in the field of your perfect life. You might find a sturdier, more vibrant flower in the murky waters of your soul after the masquerade is over.